Boom Bap Bidet!

If you had to guess what’s restraining humans from our next evolutionary step, what would you say? Religion? Paltry scientific investments? The low adoption rate of the bidet* in the United States? According to this paper by the SCA (some hygiene company with a nonsensical name), “The only thing we know for sure is that improved hygienic conditions have been historically shown to pave the way towards prosperity for a nation.” As you parse human history, this is obvious or something. For example, the first toothbrush was patented in 1857. That same year, Louis Pasteur introduced a series of reforms that improved the standards of scientific work at a school whose name I can’t pronounce—because he started brushing his teeth. All that plaque was gunking up his neural pathways. Indeed, I fib you not when I say that flossing my teeth clears my mind and improves my mood. Could I be suffering from the same “neural gunking” as Louis Pasteur?

Yes!  L(・o・)」

Being the “only thing that we know for sure,” we must seriously consider the implications of the astounding fact that good hygiene paves the way for national prosperity.  (ʃ⌣́,⌣́ƪ)  We the people of the United States pride ourselves on our clean bodies, sparkling floors, and sanitary food; yet, we remain the joke of a butt. While other countries have widely adopted the bidet into their everyday lives, we barbarically attempt to cleanse our dingles with thin squares of paper (!) resulting in hemorrhoids, global warming, and neural gunking.

Is our denial of the bidet hindering our metamorphosis into our ultimate form? I don’t know the science behind it, but it’s irrefutable that something in our poo is obstructing our neural pathways. In order to ascend to the next evolutionary level, we must at last purify our bodies by adopting the bidet into our everyday lives.

* bidet (n): a low oval basin used for washing one's genital and anal area

* bidet (n): a low oval basin used for washing one's genital and anal area

Seriously Though—Why No Bidet?

I’m obviously layin’ the sarcasm on pretty thick, but in all seriousness: Why no bidet, America? There’s even an anti-cyberbullying advertisement on the Google search for “American bidet statistics.” Is the U.S. so anti-bidet that people are being bullied over it?  (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ


The truth is that I have never once in my life heard a negative sentiment uttered about bidets from users. Sure, I’ve heard non-users balk at the idea of spraying their dirty buttholes with clean water; but from those who’ve actually tried it, you’ll hear words like “life-changing,” “transcendental,” and “the cleanest I’ve ever felt.”

Just think about this: If you get shit on any other part of your body—your cheek, your shoulder, your shin… anywhere—you’re not just going to wipe it off with a thin piece of Kleenex. No. You’re going to frantically locate the nearest sink and use water to clean it off. So why, when it comes to your asshole, should it be any different? Do you think that nobody will ever be near your asshole? Well, if you’re sexually active, that is clearly false. Putting aside sexual reasons, there are still plenty of reasons to use a bidet:

  • Using less toilet paper is good for the environment
  • Save money: The bidet will pay for itself in the toilet paper you don’t use
  • Less clogged toilets
  • Feeling of superiority over others
  • Does not aggravate hemorrhoids
  • Impress all your European friends with your sophistication & cleanliness

Self Actualization

In about 90% of Argentina’s bathrooms, one will find a bidet alongside the toilet. Naturally, it wasn’t long before curiosity overwhelmed my American animosity towards the device. I initially approached the bidet quite shyly, as if the entire world could see me (you can’t… right?!) and I was the laughing stock of America. I dug deep to summon the courage to turn that dial, and baby, when I did, the world bloomed before me.

Do you remember the first time you stayed up late enough to watch the sun rise over the horizon? Part of you wants to give into the awe-inspiring beauty, but you’re just so damn tired that instead a simple calm washes over you and fills you with a sense of peace. You lose all sense of time, and you truly become one with the moment before you. Using a bidet is sorta like that. It truly is a self-transcendent experience that purifies both the mind and the body.


But mere words cannot do justice to the great bidet. It’s like trying to describe a DMT trip to a man of sobriety. If you want to truly understand, then you must experience it yourself.


Change Your Life Today

Listen. You can buy a bidet seat attachment on Amazon for a mere $26.95 that a monkey could install. I don’t get any money for referring you to that (although I should figure that out…). I just get a warm, fuzzy feeling in my heart that the human race is one step closer to its next evolutionary leap.

Simply put: If you don’t own a bidet, you’re an animal.